Tuesday, May 31, 2005

cooL... its been one month and 2 days ever since i reached home. its cool cuz just 2 more months to go and i can go to school ...but come to think of it its not really that cool cuz this 1 month at home is very miserable for me. Others can never understand what i went through and i sincerely feel no one should deserve to go through this kind of life.

Everyone just thinks im having a long 3-month holiday, a luxurious life, nothing to worry for... but how i wish this is really how my holiday is... sometimes i dont even dare to think back about my past... sometimes at night when im just all alone in my bed, i think about it and i cry. i dont even know for what reason... but i just cried. even i find myself weird.

I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself.. im very very fortunate compared to others, i get to buy nice clothes, i get to go on holidays, i get to live a luxurious life.... and it does make me feel better... but really this is not what i want. Yes of cuz i would love to live a good life, have all kinds of beautiful branded clothes, shoes.... but life is not all about it. it's about how i live and how happy i am.... and i am not happy.

When people ask me how i am... i really dont know what to say. If i say i am very good, i know i am just cheating myself, but if i say i am not good... it just makes me feel worse and others will start questioning me why. I don't know if im again in depression like 2 years ago but i think this time i am better at controlling my emotions, cuz i am 2 years older than that time. i know i should be able to handle it. i should be mature enough.

I dont know if i should be classified as being a 'happy-go-lucky' girl who always smile, or a sad little girl who cries for little little things. I believe i am a little for both. I feel that i am 2 very different person in the day and at night. sometimes even i scare myself. i talk to my bears, i tell them i am a very sad and useless person who can't make it through any difficulties, i tell them i can never have a future. but in the day i see them, i tell them that i take back what i said the night before, i tell them i believe i can do it and i will be successful .

I wish there's